These pills, when first prescribed, terrified me.
I have to take these, it is within my own best interests, for my physical health. The mentality I had when on anti-depressants of ‘it doesn’t matter’ does not work here.
My mentality was forced into, ‘it doesn’t matter how, it just matters that you do’. So, I hid them in food and tried to trick myself into believing I wasn’t taking medication – it was just a chocolate treat.
6 weeks of these pills and I have an empty pill box. I succeeded in something that I have never succeeded in before. I have never finished a course of medication and I have never taken pills regularly enough to get into the habit of it.
Celebrate all the victories, especially the big ones that appear small to others.
Now onto the next 2 boxes.
For May – I found that I wanted to become less self-confined and eat at least one main meal at the kitchen table (with or without others).
This has been a hard habit to break and although I started off well and was eating 2 meals a day in my shared kitchen, I have since reduced it to 1 meal a day.
I have a sense of disappointment in myself for not sitting at the table. What difference does it make if I sit at the kitchen table or the desk in my room…? My anxiety says it makes a big difference.
This month I remind myself that even small changes make a difference and that I am still eating in the shared kitchen – even if it is only briefly.
Almost halfway through the year now. Crazy how that happens!
April was meant to be my ‘drink more water and cut down on chocolate’ month…
I started off relatively well, I was drinking more water than I have ever known myself drink. I also managed to cut down on my chocolate intake to 1 bar every other day instead of 2+ bars a day (small bars).
Then Easter break happened and I came back to my mum’s. The cupboards are full of treats and so much food that I have had to stuff myself full of it to make sure it gets eaten before it starts growing its own organisms.
I have not been drinking water, instead, I have just been drinking tea.
(Still not buying carbonated drinks though!)
I have had 3 small diet Pepsi’s since February and that has only been due to me socialising at the local bars/pubs.
However, surprisingly, what I have not had this month, (at all) is… crisps. Something I was eating 2 bags of a day most days. My cupboard at my mums is stocked with 2 big variety packs of crisps – they remain untouched. I guess this is what I am doing this month!
Now, what about next month?
It is 1998, the house is warm – it smells like homemade pastries. Across the room, a family is gathered.
2 ft tall, green branches reach out.
“Do you want to place these chocolates on, sweetheart?” She asks with a soft smile.
They sit on the floor giving careful consideration of what gets placed where.
It is 2000, the house is happy – four friends sit together laughing. A knock on the door and a child joins them.
5 ft tall, green branches face the room.
“My mum says she can’t make it, the rabbit is sick.” He tells the tree.
Confused looks are exchanged between friends, bafflement that will continue for many years.
It is 2017, the house is cosy – a family enjoy the peace. Love and laughter in their eyes as they observe their boy.
2 ft tall, green branches mock the cat.
“Don’t you dare!” She says, swooping him up with a ‘boop’ on the nose.
Content purrs surround the quiet room.
It is 2018, the house is silent.
5 ft tall, fibre optic lights brighten the room.