You would think I’d have had enough. All of the assignments, the lectures, the stress. Yet, I have spent all day waiting for 5pm. Not for the rest or the break away from work, but for writing.
The relief of knowing I no longer have restrictions placed on my writing to be academic, to be reflective. I can write to enjoy it, write to unwind. The joy of it, the satisfaction of the words coming together and all of it making sense in the end… I have missed it.
Life has taken over and it has taken ‘writing for pleasure’ away from me. Instead, all I have had is writing to meet the domains, to tick boxes on that ever-growing list of things that University ask of us.
I have missed this. I have missed my laptop, missed choosing the font that I want and not the font that University insists we use. All of the little things that make up the bigger ones.
I have missed the freedom of my own truth, my own words, my own self.
I welcome writing back into my life with open arms.
Until the next time.
With all the well wishes and all of the “Happy New Year” messages that came flooding in, full of hope for a better year… I made two promises to myself: Drink more water (juice) and find ways to remain calm.
So far, so good. My ‘promises’ are not ones which can be taken away from me due to a national lockdown – which means no excuses.
I am eating fruit more, drinking less caffeinated, carbonated drinks and I have started doing Tai Chi.
Following along to some YouTube videos and feeling a bit of happiness that I am learning something new, in a time where not much of anything in the world is new, is a nice enough feeling.
Another lockdown brings with it more of the same repetitiveness that we have had since March 2020 – almost 1 full year.
But maybe we can create our own positives. Or at least try to. A little bit of Tai Chi every other day and some positive goals that I am determined to achieve is my own little way of trying to do better.
Hopefully the end is near for this Coronavirus pandemic. Hopefully some time spent doing new things (even from the mundane comfort of home) can help this year be a more positive one.
In my life, there have been times where I have had restrictions. Times where I have not left the house for long periods of time. Times where I have been isolated.
This has given me a slight advantage when dealing with this pandemic. It has meant that my anxiety stayed low, I was not ‘freaking out’ and I was able to take it all in my stride.
Now, I am fed up and annoyed. I can be a little bit of a control freak – this means that I am starting to twitch at the fact that we are potentially once again having choice taken away. I live in a City where the number of cases are currently (apparently) increasing. This means that the City is now on some naughty list to be watched and potentially sent into another lockdown. There has been mention of Marshal presence. There has been a limitation on how many people you can and cannot see and where you can see them. Unless you’re at work or school…
Everyone is saying “Christmas may be cancelled.”
Travel restrictions may be put into place. Again. So now I can be once again separated from my mum until the government says otherwise? Or can I see her because there’s only me, my partner and her? Or can I only travel when it’s essential? What is essential? And who says what is essential travel for me?
Families are only able to come together for Christmas if there are 6 or less people present… Well, what about those of us that don’t have enough family to be able to count past 2? Are we allowed to travel to see our family?
Making people give their details when they go out publicly to socialise so track and trace can be completed… Yes, okay… but why now? Why not enforce that one right from the start?
We also might be given a 10pm curfew – who and how is that about to be enforced? What about people who work the late shift or do nights? Do they need to carry their work rota with them as proof they’ve been to or are going to work? Because anyone can carry a badge – I have a badge. I could carry that with me and claim that I’m doing a late shift… who is to know if I actually am doing a late shift or if I’m off to meet my 20 pals?
Eat out to help out was encouraging everyone to go back out and meet in groups to help put money back into the economy and now that we’ve done that, we’re being told to go stay indoors. We do as we’re told and then get told we’re causing the virus to surge again.
If you socialise in a group of more than 6 people, you’re breaking the law (from 14th September) and will be fined. But not if you’re at work or in education. Can we not catch it at work or school?
The things you remember… I remember being asked to read a piece of paper that had written on it: ‘happinessisnowhere’ and to say out loud what it said… “Happiness is nowhere.”
“My daughter showed me this… look again at the words… happinessisnowhere and now when I sepearate them… happiness/is/now/here…”
“It’s all about your mindset.”
This was something that I was introduced to in 2010, that I shared on facebook. It stayed with me. So much so that I named this blog after it.
I’m tired, I need to sleep tonight.
I have plans tomorrow.
I’ll do anything if you fade off.
As a ‘writer’, I find inspiration in everyday life. My mind is constantly writing – looking for things I can borrow from. The earth, the universe, strangers, family, friends, loved ones… I find stories in most things, every day. I find myself narrating in my own mind, more times than I can count – most times without even realising. I mentally write stories about things that never even make it onto the page. Every day. Like an addiction. I write without even being conscious of it, it is within me. It is my nature. I observe and I see. I have a mind cramed full of words. But then I don’t. Social situations are not my nature. They are mostly difficult, with rare exceptions. Talking to talk, is not my nature. Talking about myself openly and without prompting is not my nature. But writing. Writing is like a cool breeze on the hottest day of the year. It is a relief. A hope. A wish. Writing is everything. The weights of the world lift off my shoulders as soon as my fingers run across the keyboard. The scratch of a pen against paper fills my soul with such lightness, it makes my breath stop.
The feeling of that last sentence. Of pulling everything together neatly, of feeling that closure… Of getting to have the last word. Just this once… or until the next time that my fingers meet the keyboard.
And then one day, the lights went out. The walls closed in, faces became blurred, words went unheard and there was nothing but silence.
And it was deafening.
“There’s a wall in front of you.
It’s tall, it towers over you.
You have to climb it.
In order for you to get to where you want, you have to get to the other side.
So start climbing.
You will fall, at some point.
But does that mean you give up?
If someone drags you down, do you stay down?
No matter what, you climb.
And you do not stop until you are on the other side of that wall!
You do not quit.
Do you understand?
People will always try to stop you or distract you.
But you just keep climbing.
You don’t ever give up on reaching the other side of that wall!”
These pills, when first prescribed, terrified me.
I have to take these, it is within my own best interests, for my physical health. The mentality I had when on anti-depressants of ‘it doesn’t matter’ does not work here.
My mentality was forced into, ‘it doesn’t matter how, it just matters that you do’. So, I hid them in food and tried to trick myself into believing I wasn’t taking medication – it was just a chocolate treat.
6 weeks of these pills and I have an empty pill box. I succeeded in something that I have never succeeded in before. I have never finished a course of medication and I have never taken pills regularly enough to get into the habit of it.
Celebrate all the victories, especially the big ones that appear small to others.
Now onto the next 2 boxes.