Pandemic Annoyances

In my life, there have been times where I have had restrictions. Times where I have not left the house for long periods of time. Times where I have been isolated.

This has given me a slight advantage when dealing with this pandemic. It has meant that my anxiety stayed low, I was not ‘freaking out’ and I was able to take it all in my stride.

However…

Now, I am fed up and annoyed. I can be a little bit of a control freak – this means that I am starting to twitch at the fact that we are potentially once again having choice taken away. I live in a City where the number of cases are currently (apparently) increasing. This means that the City is now on some naughty list to be watched and potentially sent into another lockdown. There has been mention of Marshal presence. There has been a limitation on how many people you can and cannot see and where you can see them. Unless you’re at work or school…

Everyone is saying “Christmas may be cancelled.”

Travel restrictions may be put into place. Again. So now I can be once again separated from my mum until the government says otherwise? Or can I see her because there’s only me, my partner and her? Or can I only travel when it’s essential? What is essential? And who says what is essential travel for me?

Families are only able to come together for Christmas if there are 6 or less people present… Well, what about those of us that don’t have enough family to be able to count past 2? Are we allowed to travel to see our family?

Making people give their details when they go out publicly to socialise so track and trace can be completed… Yes, okay… but why now? Why not enforce that one right from the start?

We also might be given a 10pm curfew – who and how is that about to be enforced? What about people who work the late shift or do nights? Do they need to carry their work rota with them as proof they’ve been to or are going to work? Because anyone can carry a badge – I have a badge. I could carry that with me and claim that I’m doing a late shift… who is to know if I actually am doing a late shift or if I’m off to meet my 20 pals?

Eat out to help out was encouraging everyone to go back out and meet in groups to help put money back into the economy and now that we’ve done that, we’re being told to go stay indoors. We do as we’re told and then get told we’re causing the virus to surge again.

If you socialise in a group of more than 6 people, you’re breaking the law (from 14th September) and will be fined. But not if you’re at work or in education. Can we not catch it at work or school?

Happinessisnowhere

The things you remember… I remember being asked to read a piece of paper that had written on it: ‘happinessisnowhere’ and to say out loud what it said… “Happiness is nowhere.”
“My daughter showed me this… look again at the words… happinessisnowhere and now when I sepearate them… happiness/is/now/here…”

“It’s all about your mindset.”

This was something that I was introduced to in 2010, that I shared on facebook. It stayed with me. So much so that I named this blog after it.

As a ‘Writer’…

As a ‘writer’, I find inspiration in everyday life. My mind is constantly writing – looking for things I can borrow from. The earth, the universe, strangers, family, friends, loved ones… I find stories in most things, every day. I find myself narrating in my own mind, more times than I can count – most times without even realising. I mentally write stories about things that never even make it onto the page. Every day. Like an addiction. I write without even being conscious of it, it is within me. It is my nature. I observe and I see. I have a mind cramed full of words. But then I don’t. Social situations are not my nature. They are mostly difficult, with rare exceptions. Talking to talk, is not my nature. Talking about myself openly and without prompting is not my nature. But writing. Writing is like a cool breeze on the hottest day of the year. It is a relief. A hope. A wish. Writing is everything. The weights of the world lift off my shoulders as soon as my fingers run across the keyboard. The scratch of a pen against paper fills my soul with such lightness, it makes my breath stop.

The feeling of that last sentence. Of pulling everything together neatly, of feeling that closure… Of getting to have the last word. Just this once… or until the next time that my fingers meet the keyboard.

 

 

Keep Climbing

“There’s a wall in front of you.
It’s tall, it towers over you.
You have to climb it.
In order for you to get to where you want, you have to get to the other side.
So start climbing.
You will fall, at some point.
It’s inevitable.
But does that mean you give up?
If someone drags you down, do you stay down?
No matter what, you climb.
And you do not stop until you are on the other side of that wall!
You do not quit.
Do you understand?
People will always try to stop you or distract you.
But you just keep climbing.
You don’t ever give up on reaching the other side of that wall!”

The Fear

IMG_20200128_181749

These pills, when first prescribed, terrified me.

I have to take these, it is within my own best interests, for my physical health. The mentality I had when on anti-depressants of ‘it doesn’t matter’ does not work here.

My mentality was forced into, ‘it doesn’t matter how, it just matters that you do’. So, I hid them in food and tried to trick myself into believing I wasn’t taking medication – it was just a chocolate treat.

6 weeks of these pills and I have an empty pill box. I succeeded in something that I have never succeeded in before. I have never finished a course of medication and I have never taken pills regularly enough to get into the habit of it.

Celebrate all the victories, especially the big ones that appear small to others.

Now onto the next 2 boxes.

I Wished For You, Too

The years have been hard,
A dullness, a dark room without any light.

Hands always stretching out ahead, chasing,
Everything always just out of reach.

I thought of you when I needed some colour in the darkness,
A flash of hope, of what I might one day find.

I always had you in the back of my mind, a faceless silhouette,
An imaginary hand to hold, someone to have my back.

Always a hope, an imaginary person who could never exist,
A mind broken and unrepairable, always wanting the impossible.

A decade later and I found ways to light up my own self,
Ways to heal my own soul.

My imaginary person no longer a hope to be held onto,
A dream lost, acceptance and independence taking its place.

A few more years come to pass,
A complete loss of hope, of self.

A change of scenery,
A new found freedom, new beginnings.

A new person,
Appearing out of nowhere, a shock to the system.

Like a breath of fresh air, a sudden cold shower,
Life was no longer just a dim light, colours were returning.

So many words, positive and freeing,
Butterflies and rainbows and everything else in between.

Nights spent talking, sharing,
Happiness no longer seemingly out of reach.

Fate always finds a way,
Destiny, it seems, cannot be avoided.

Dear You

I always felt like you’ve known me,
I thought of you when I got lonely,
Now there’s nothing else I can do,
This is me reaching out to you
Dear you, I hope you don’t mind me writing, ’cause it’s been some time since we last spoke,
I hope you’re doing more than fine, damn all that time I don’t know where it goes,
Man I bet there’s been some change and in my brain you’ve been doing so well,
I know It’s important, I know I haven’t called but, tell me all there is to tell
I always felt like you’ve known me,
I thought of you when I got lonely,
Now there’s nothing else I can do,
This is me reaching out to you
Dear you, it looks like you must have moved house, the last address I got for you was time ago now,
You’re probably in Spain or the states no doubt, in school I always knew that it was you who’d get out,
I heard you dumped Christeen but that was probably what, 2003,
I bet you’ve got a super hot wife or three, you were always such a player when we were sixteen,
I hope our paths cross sometime, I can’t seem to find your profile online,
Drop me a call, any day or night is fine because I’d love to see your face after such a long time
I always felt like you’ve known me,
I thought of you when I got lonely,
Now there’s nothing else I can do,
This is me reaching out to you
Dear you, me again, obviously it’s a letter, it’s weird writing these to you makes me feel better,
‘Cause sometimes when it’s dark or it’s really bad weather, I feel like I might just feel down forever,
Last night I really felt that might have been it, like I just couldn’t deal with any more shit,
I wanted to disappear and if I think that I did, it would be at least a week before it went noticed,
I wanna go back, back to when we were kids, when we didn’t know pain could feel like this,
When we didn’t know hurt and we didn’t know risk but we all grew up and I guess that’s it,
I always felt like you’ve known me,
I thought of you when I got lonely,
Now there’s nothing else I can do,
This is me reaching out to you
Dear you, it’s strange how quickly we can lose sight, I called your old landline late last night,
I remembered those numbers since ’99, anyway suppose I called because you hadn’t replied,
I got through to your parents, they were so surprised, they asked me if I still lived down park drive,
I got the worst feeling when I heard your dad cry, when your mum took the phone and went outside,
Man, she told me how hard you tried, that it didn’t work out with your kids and wife,
I nearly dropped the phone and had tears in my eyes, when she said, you took your own life last July.
I always felt like I’d known you,
I never thought you would be lonely,
Now there’s nothing else I can do,
This is me reaching out to you.
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: LUCY MAYM SPRAGGAN
Dear You lyrics © Cooking Vinyl Publishing