With all the well wishes and all of the “Happy New Year” messages that came flooding in, full of hope for a better year… I made two promises to myself: Drink more water (juice) and find ways to remain calm.
So far, so good. My ‘promises’ are not ones which can be taken away from me due to a national lockdown – which means no excuses.
I am eating fruit more, drinking less caffeinated, carbonated drinks and I have started doing Tai Chi.
Following along to some YouTube videos and feeling a bit of happiness that I am learning something new, in a time where not much of anything in the world is new, is a nice enough feeling.
Another lockdown brings with it more of the same repetitiveness that we have had since March 2020 – almost 1 full year.
But maybe we can create our own positives. Or at least try to. A little bit of Tai Chi every other day and some positive goals that I am determined to achieve is my own little way of trying to do better.
Hopefully the end is near for this Coronavirus pandemic. Hopefully some time spent doing new things (even from the mundane comfort of home) can help this year be a more positive one.
“There’s a wall in front of you.
It’s tall, it towers over you.
You have to climb it.
In order for you to get to where you want, you have to get to the other side.
So start climbing.
You will fall, at some point.
But does that mean you give up?
If someone drags you down, do you stay down?
No matter what, you climb.
And you do not stop until you are on the other side of that wall!
You do not quit.
Do you understand?
People will always try to stop you or distract you.
But you just keep climbing.
You don’t ever give up on reaching the other side of that wall!”
December was a month of feeling like I needed to find my own thing.
The previous month had been one that had seen me trying something I had been thinking of doing for quite some time, based off the positive enforcement of several people around me.
December was a month of thought, of honesty, of finding something that felt like me.
I found Yoga.
I did the Yoga.
I enjoyed the Yoga.
I found a thing that could potentially become one of ‘my things’.
This is definitely a thing to take with me into 2020, something to enjoy and to take seriously.
December was a month that ended positively.
A positive end to my trial run of trying to make changes to my life.
May 2020 be a year of radiant success!
Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.
( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome )
I am sad a lot. I get asked if I am okay, several times a day. Each time my response is the same, “Yeah, just tired.”
There is no one thing, there is nothing. No main reason for such sadness, it just is.
This year – 2018 – will be the year that I write down one positive thing each day. So that by the end of the year I can look back at all the wonderful things that have happened to me and feel grateful for them.
This year I will try to be my best self, even on the worst days.
What if I liked living here?
Friend says, “There is nothing to photograph here.”
My mind says, “The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust.
There is no privacy here.
But this, right now feels so private. There is no one here but me. I feel so at peace in this moment.
Shortcut, this way.
Let us take the shortcut so that the memories do not climb into the pores of us. It is easier this way.
Repair the broken, replace it and it becomes something completely new. Never again shall it be the same.
Walking around looking for my next photograph instead of just looking. Take a breath. Take it in. The only people who seem to be out and about today are the dog walkers.
If you have the same thought often enough, you should listen to it. If “I do not want you in my life” is a daily thought, you should listen to yourself. *I should listen to myself* Reach out to the right people, not the wrong ones. Even if all you are surrounded by are ‘wrong ones’.
“Everything that makes you not perfect, makes you perfectly who you are.”
There is a moment afterwards when you realise that you have just scrolled through every picture. A hurtful moment during when you realise you do miss them. A sad moment straight after that one when you remember you don’t want them in your life for a reason. And hopefully, that final moment afterwards makes you feel strength. A strength that helps you to close the tab, to close the app, to put down the phone.
A realisation that the happy memories are from years ago and that the recent memories are tainted by being treated carelessly. A realisation that negative repetitive behaviour is not welcome in your life. That if you had been around different people you would have realised sooner how that is not how friendship is supposed to work.
Friendship is two people. People who both want to make an effort to stay in touch and support each other. It is give and take. Not just let me give while you take. I no longer want to give all of myself. I no longer want you to take the little pieces of me that I can never get back.
Tomorrow could change my life. A door is open and I am walking through it. The opportunity is there, the chance that will help me to create the life that I long to live. It is scary as hell. I am waiting for it to not happen, expecting it to be another dead end. It is less scary if everything stays as it is. Even if I am not happy with how it is, right now. Change is scary, right?
I really want this chance. This opportunity, even if it is temporary, would offer me so much. Independence, freedom and confidence. I will have another stepping stone to help me to live. To no longer be thinking about it or hoping for it. I will be living the dream of where I should be. No longer looking at others and wondering what that feeling is like to have *that*.
If it doesn’t happen. Then at least the experience of trying will give me more confidence to approach the next opportunity.